|A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with
a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You
can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to
take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to
fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money
to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he
passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the
attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with
cash. “Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should
have had me put the money in the basement.”
A man died and was taken to his place of
eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and
shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up
to a beautiful woman. “That’s unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for
all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
“Shut up,” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are
you to question that woman’s punishment?”
As the lawyer slowly came out of the
anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why
are all the blinds drawn, doctor?” “There’s a big fire across the
street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the
operation was a failure.”
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted,
will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning,
I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his
shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man
again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine
was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the
man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you -- what’s with the pocket
business?” “Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer’s picture in here,
and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”
A defendant was on trial for murder in
Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no
corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you
that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was
killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury,
clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury
returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw
all of you stare at the door." Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did
look. But your client didn’t."